Upon receiving my first strongly worded comments on this blog, more specifically about my patented bridge hate, I remain surprised how seriously people take blogging and in a general sense the internet itself. For those of us who troll on youtube comment boards on Billy Ocean videos from 1988, tweet every waking thought, photograph their meals for instagram and status update their unfortunate bus ride or new hipster sport they have created.......please realize how absurd life has become if this is how we bide our time and communicate with strangers and friends.
We are the generation that can't. The internet owns us and forces us to behave in counter instinctual ways. I don't need to socialize every night with all 350 friends and circles. Where is the time for work or sleep?
When famous people and artists tweet offensive things, let it go, its not worth correcting. Lena Dunham and her 3 million book deal can say whatever she wants on twitter about victims of Canadian serial killers. When there is no hockey Canadians get agitated. If the internet has offended you holden caulfield i think its time to sit this life out because its not going to get fair anytime soon and the phonies are going to win. The next life is anyones guess.
I am a hypocrite and lost in a world of perpetual boredom that requires me to seek attention and self-promote myself until I am a talentless multimillionaire like Dane Cook. Punchlines and conclusions to stories are overrated anyways. I am not surrendering to the mores of today, its more like adaptation to my changing surroundings in order to exploit it for my benefit. My reach may exceed my grasp, but what's heaven for? to plagiarize and paraphrase a poem line and a film.
25 October 2012
18 October 2012
Revolution Soul Train
Despite the title of this episode there was no Don Cornelius only a steam locomotive that may or may not be sabotaged with an explosive log. It would be difficult not to find this amusing.
After a long period spent aimlessly wandering through the woods our heroes arrive in Noblesville, Indiana to find Charlie Matheson's hunky brother about to be shipped to Philadelphia, which is important for an undisclosed reason? This show has the annoying habit of either telling you nothing or telling you everything without that natural balance.
Much of the show is devoted to the backstory of Monroe Militia Colonel Tom Neville. Before the power went out he was a cowardly insurance claims adjuster, much like General Bethlehem in the Postman, who repaired copiers. He is now a martial figure with little compassion for weakness or impediments in his way. He has an extremely hot wife, played by Kim Raver, and his son, Nate, is the spy who has been chasing Charlie, father and son have similar tastes in women. We meet more rebels and the secret of the 12 pendants that will bring the power back. Now we must, ugh waste more time with whining dull characters, and find these devices.
The train arrives in Philadelphia with little real threat of derailment. No one thinks to rip up the tracks or place a tree over the tracks before the train arrives? These idiots could not win a guerrilla war against the Soviet Union let alone a set of melodramatic monochrome dressed grave speaking neofascist militiamen.
Don Cornelius
After a long period spent aimlessly wandering through the woods our heroes arrive in Noblesville, Indiana to find Charlie Matheson's hunky brother about to be shipped to Philadelphia, which is important for an undisclosed reason? This show has the annoying habit of either telling you nothing or telling you everything without that natural balance.
Much of the show is devoted to the backstory of Monroe Militia Colonel Tom Neville. Before the power went out he was a cowardly insurance claims adjuster, much like General Bethlehem in the Postman, who repaired copiers. He is now a martial figure with little compassion for weakness or impediments in his way. He has an extremely hot wife, played by Kim Raver, and his son, Nate, is the spy who has been chasing Charlie, father and son have similar tastes in women. We meet more rebels and the secret of the 12 pendants that will bring the power back. Now we must, ugh waste more time with whining dull characters, and find these devices.
Kim Raver, her real name.
The train arrives in Philadelphia with little real threat of derailment. No one thinks to rip up the tracks or place a tree over the tracks before the train arrives? These idiots could not win a guerrilla war against the Soviet Union let alone a set of melodramatic monochrome dressed grave speaking neofascist militiamen.
The guy in the shades is the drummer. These guys are the Beatles of the Alaskan militias. Guess who is the lead singer?
09 October 2012
Revolution Plague Dogs
You may wonder why I have been spending so much of my time focused on this soon to be forgotten and erased from NBC silly drama that the actors and producers have been coached to call science-fact.
If you can recall the marketing campaign for the Denzel Washington film, Deja Vu, they refused to say that it was a time-travel movie because it was possible that the past could be viewed from the present for a brief window. A window that allowed Denzel, and only Denzel, to travel back in time and stop Swiss Jesus (Jim Caviezel) from bombing a New Orleans ferry boat while saying "Ha....HAW," "my man," and "excuse me?!." All based on fact apparently.
Anyways in this week's episode, Plague Dogs, there were many easily escapable death traps, maudlin flash-backs, a tornado and actual dogs. There was not much to report from this episode other than Miles Matheson was a "murderer" and the mildly hot older English woman, Maggie was killed. Things are slowing down and the Joseph Campbell circles are becoming unwound with story lines that seem to allude constantly and offer random events rather than direction. This is not on purpose to befit some nihilistic existentialism, more likely its poor writing and remote production work via email/skype from Jon Favreau and JJ Abrams.
Revolution is like the Branson version of the Walking Dead. USA Today version of the Postman.
If you can recall the marketing campaign for the Denzel Washington film, Deja Vu, they refused to say that it was a time-travel movie because it was possible that the past could be viewed from the present for a brief window. A window that allowed Denzel, and only Denzel, to travel back in time and stop Swiss Jesus (Jim Caviezel) from bombing a New Orleans ferry boat while saying "Ha....HAW," "my man," and "excuse me?!." All based on fact apparently.
DENZEL
Anyways in this week's episode, Plague Dogs, there were many easily escapable death traps, maudlin flash-backs, a tornado and actual dogs. There was not much to report from this episode other than Miles Matheson was a "murderer" and the mildly hot older English woman, Maggie was killed. Things are slowing down and the Joseph Campbell circles are becoming unwound with story lines that seem to allude constantly and offer random events rather than direction. This is not on purpose to befit some nihilistic existentialism, more likely its poor writing and remote production work via email/skype from Jon Favreau and JJ Abrams.
Jon Favreau believing that he is the only person with a smartphone.
Revolution is like the Branson version of the Walking Dead. USA Today version of the Postman.
02 October 2012
becoming a loser and retroactive salmonella recall
When you begin writing about derivative tame network dramas as if you are engaged in passionate literary warfare against various ideologies, such as the NBC show REVOLUTION, you are a loser living in a basement apartment at the dog racetrack. Living and dying over the minor details and indistinct characters in non sequiter flashbacks is not healthy.
On this week's episode, "No Quarter," Miles and his niece, with a groups of rebels trying to restore the United States (like the Postman), find themselves trapped by the militia and decide to tunnel out. We learn that Miles used to command the militia where he killed people (like the Postman was a member of the Holnist militia). The characters are aghast, its not like he raped or pillaged which seems more likely in this alternate future than this tame outrage. Meanwhile the brother Matheson remains prisoner to the militia and the English woman, Maggie, and Aaron, google exec find a computer. The mysteries are beginning to unravel at a pace that puts one to sleep rather than spark interest.
As a loser of the highest order it is my humble duty to waste more time and complain bitterly about this show's inability to overcome its silly nature that makes the Adam West Batman show seem like an progenitor of Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones. Sword fights are lame unless there is the threat of death or decent choreography. Again this brings me to the more important issue at hand, JJ Abrams is lazy. There it is its only libel if its not true.
In the middle of writing this post I received a robocall message from Kirtland (COSTCO) on my answering machine. The smoked salmon may have salmonella. What more fitting bacteria could there be than that? The irony escaped them. Its raw, obviously it may contain bacteria and cause health problems. I have been eating their smoked salmon every morning for over a year and now realize I may have been food poisoned every day for over a year. I appreciated the phone call.
On this week's episode, "No Quarter," Miles and his niece, with a groups of rebels trying to restore the United States (like the Postman), find themselves trapped by the militia and decide to tunnel out. We learn that Miles used to command the militia where he killed people (like the Postman was a member of the Holnist militia). The characters are aghast, its not like he raped or pillaged which seems more likely in this alternate future than this tame outrage. Meanwhile the brother Matheson remains prisoner to the militia and the English woman, Maggie, and Aaron, google exec find a computer. The mysteries are beginning to unravel at a pace that puts one to sleep rather than spark interest.
As a loser of the highest order it is my humble duty to waste more time and complain bitterly about this show's inability to overcome its silly nature that makes the Adam West Batman show seem like an progenitor of Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones. Sword fights are lame unless there is the threat of death or decent choreography. Again this brings me to the more important issue at hand, JJ Abrams is lazy. There it is its only libel if its not true.
JJ Abrams
In the middle of writing this post I received a robocall message from Kirtland (COSTCO) on my answering machine. The smoked salmon may have salmonella. What more fitting bacteria could there be than that? The irony escaped them. Its raw, obviously it may contain bacteria and cause health problems. I have been eating their smoked salmon every morning for over a year and now realize I may have been food poisoned every day for over a year. I appreciated the phone call.
27 September 2012
Revolution or the JJ Abrams version of the Postman
Apologies if you are expecting the cast list for Steel Man, the Joseph Stalin sitcom. Its difficult getting actors to sign with a fictional tv show that exists entirely in my head for no money.
The new NBC drama REVOLUTION is a story set 15 years into the future following a total electrical blackout rendering the world in an apparent survivalist mode as marauding militia roam the country enforcing their law for a mysterious warlord named Munro, although spelled differently multiple times between two episodes. Continuity is not priority one here, this is a JJ Abrams production after all and its about speed not content. The show is definitely a network program and often restrained in its silly action sequences that resemble Errol Flynn in Robin Hood.
The main character, Katniss, I mean Charlotte Matheson is a teenage huntress living in a hamlet with her family. When the Militia lead by Giancarlo Esposito kills her father and kidnaps her brother Charlotte and her coterie that includes her fathers English? girlfriend and an overweight former google exec, the comic relief, head to Chicago to find her Uncle, Miles Matheson, a former Marine. Charlotte is the moral compass and heroine on her journey from the ordinary. There are some emerging storylines and dimensions to the characters that give the show some mystery, such as why the power failed and what is on those pendant flash drives? This is a solid start and has great tv potential to survive its first season.
When I hear people talk about how original or new this is, especially the producers, network, and the actors, I have an epileptic fit because its grossly untrue and I don't have much going on in my life. Its like when the film 3 Kings was released and the studio denied that it was a ripoff of Kelley's Heroes, the entertainment reporters didn't understand what plagiarism entails. Or passing off an adapted screenplay as original, it becomes meta problems. This show was heavily "influenced" by the 1997 epic Kevin Costner flop, the POSTMAN. If you don't remember the basic plot of the Postman, and the David Brin novel it was based upon, it is thus: the story is set 15 years into the future following a total electrical blackout rendering the world in an apparent survivalist mode as marauding militia roam the country enforcing the law of 8 for a mysterious warlord named Nathan Holn, here under the command of General Bethlehem (Will Patton). The Holnists bear brands of the number 8 (infinity) on their arms as the Munro Militia all bear the letter M. Both burn American flags and forcibly conscript soldiers, as well as repeating lines from the movie and tv show verbatim.
The new NBC drama REVOLUTION is a story set 15 years into the future following a total electrical blackout rendering the world in an apparent survivalist mode as marauding militia roam the country enforcing their law for a mysterious warlord named Munro, although spelled differently multiple times between two episodes. Continuity is not priority one here, this is a JJ Abrams production after all and its about speed not content. The show is definitely a network program and often restrained in its silly action sequences that resemble Errol Flynn in Robin Hood.
Giancarlo Esposito
The main character, Katniss, I mean Charlotte Matheson is a teenage huntress living in a hamlet with her family. When the Militia lead by Giancarlo Esposito kills her father and kidnaps her brother Charlotte and her coterie that includes her fathers English? girlfriend and an overweight former google exec, the comic relief, head to Chicago to find her Uncle, Miles Matheson, a former Marine. Charlotte is the moral compass and heroine on her journey from the ordinary. There are some emerging storylines and dimensions to the characters that give the show some mystery, such as why the power failed and what is on those pendant flash drives? This is a solid start and has great tv potential to survive its first season.
Charlotte Matheson and coterie
When I hear people talk about how original or new this is, especially the producers, network, and the actors, I have an epileptic fit because its grossly untrue and I don't have much going on in my life. Its like when the film 3 Kings was released and the studio denied that it was a ripoff of Kelley's Heroes, the entertainment reporters didn't understand what plagiarism entails. Or passing off an adapted screenplay as original, it becomes meta problems. This show was heavily "influenced" by the 1997 epic Kevin Costner flop, the POSTMAN. If you don't remember the basic plot of the Postman, and the David Brin novel it was based upon, it is thus: the story is set 15 years into the future following a total electrical blackout rendering the world in an apparent survivalist mode as marauding militia roam the country enforcing the law of 8 for a mysterious warlord named Nathan Holn, here under the command of General Bethlehem (Will Patton). The Holnists bear brands of the number 8 (infinity) on their arms as the Munro Militia all bear the letter M. Both burn American flags and forcibly conscript soldiers, as well as repeating lines from the movie and tv show verbatim.
General Bethlehem
Because I have thoughts about this show that are not groveling praise does not mean I will not watch the show. Despite these meaningless details REVOLUTION has a heroine with a crossbow in skin tight pants, subtle HUNGER GAMES nod production team, who looks a lot better than Kevin Costner.
13 September 2012
Stalin Sitcom
This is an idea that I had with my friend Jeremy Millard that deserves to be heard.
Here is the pitch for the situational comedy show that is 2 Broke Girls, Anger Management, Black Adder meets Gulag Archipelago. Before you say that's a terrible idea and esoteric, the theme song is "I'm a Steel Man" (Soul Man by Sam and Dave). That should set the tone that this is not history just a mockery of television and the Soviet Union.
The premise its 1938. Stalin's Mom moves into the Kremlin to live with her son and ruins his life. Stalin is a single father trying to raise sons Yakov and Vasily and daughter Svetlana. His two dead wives, Ekaterina and Nadezhda are feuding characters that visit Stalin on a periodic basis. Stalin cant get anything done with his mother hovering and getting in his business about the five year plans, the gulags and why he never called her in Georgia.
Stalin's bros are Molotov, Voroshilov and Beria who wander around Kremlin aimlessly pretending to be busy and avoid Vasili Blokhin, the secret police executioner. Blokhin keeps trying to lure people into the basement to shoot them. Blokhin kills at least one guest every episode. This is one of the running gags, like Trotsky being blamed for the rain or soggy pancakes, and keeping young children away from Beria. Beria is like the pedophile George Costanza.
STALIN, would work for CBS. NBC likes the handheld camera and monkey doctor thing. FOX if Married with Children was still on. ABC is too family oriented and may not get such a dark storyline. Cartoon Network is too lazy and approves anything that came out of an improv skit.
STAY TUNED FOR CASTING IN LATER POSTS...Rowan Atkinson? Charlie Sheen?
Here is the pitch for the situational comedy show that is 2 Broke Girls, Anger Management, Black Adder meets Gulag Archipelago. Before you say that's a terrible idea and esoteric, the theme song is "I'm a Steel Man" (Soul Man by Sam and Dave). That should set the tone that this is not history just a mockery of television and the Soviet Union.
The premise its 1938. Stalin's Mom moves into the Kremlin to live with her son and ruins his life. Stalin is a single father trying to raise sons Yakov and Vasily and daughter Svetlana. His two dead wives, Ekaterina and Nadezhda are feuding characters that visit Stalin on a periodic basis. Stalin cant get anything done with his mother hovering and getting in his business about the five year plans, the gulags and why he never called her in Georgia.
Stalins Mom
Stalin's bros are Molotov, Voroshilov and Beria who wander around Kremlin aimlessly pretending to be busy and avoid Vasili Blokhin, the secret police executioner. Blokhin keeps trying to lure people into the basement to shoot them. Blokhin kills at least one guest every episode. This is one of the running gags, like Trotsky being blamed for the rain or soggy pancakes, and keeping young children away from Beria. Beria is like the pedophile George Costanza.
Beria
In the first episode we find Stalin and writer, Isaac Babel having a discussion at dinner. Stalin tells Babel, "You have not written anything in twenty years! Why am I paying you? Ill bring Gorky back from the dead." Stalin's Mom hits Stalin in the back of the head, "Ioseb you're being rude to your guest, its not like hes a Uzbek." Queue the laugh track, rimshot and Kat Dennings effusive cleavage. Had to make a reference to 2 Broke Girls because that is the kind of mathematical sitcom form that would work.
Kat Dennings
STALIN, would work for CBS. NBC likes the handheld camera and monkey doctor thing. FOX if Married with Children was still on. ABC is too family oriented and may not get such a dark storyline. Cartoon Network is too lazy and approves anything that came out of an improv skit.
STAY TUNED FOR CASTING IN LATER POSTS...Rowan Atkinson? Charlie Sheen?
09 September 2012
Bridge Hate 1: Champlain Bridge
While I hate many bridges and other inanimate objects, there are those people, you know who I mean, who love bridges and waste their lives trying to convert us to join their cult. It is only a bridge. It cannot love you back or hold your hair back over the toilet seat when you have had too many shots playing can I out drink Richard Burton?
The new Champlain Bridge opened in November 2011 replacing its rusted predecessor, which had been there since 1929. It is a beautiful blue structure with fluid arches at its crest looming over the narrow passage between the ruins of Crown Point in New York and Chimney Point in Vermont. Completed in two years by a German engineering firm, it cost was estimated at $76 million.
"It's a critical link for west-central Vermont and New York State, and vital to Vermont's economic strength, as well as for the people who rely upon that bridge for work and recreation," said Vermont Governor Peter Shumlin.
In the press release, linked below, Governor Shumlin is not the only elected official cashing in on the bridge and making it the greatest human achievement of all time. Remember, its just a bridge.
http://www.governor.ny.gov/press/110711OpeningofLakeChamplainBridge
As the politicians take credit and inflate the critical existential importance of this bridge to the few hundred voting people and their taxable revenue, they should remember like any wide receiver celebrating catching the ball that it is their fucking job to fix the bridge and do not deserve the adoration for following protocol.
The two minutes hate for the Champlain Bridge is not because of the object itself but rather because the bridge lovers were so indignant about their bridge from nowhere to nowhere and how obviously important they are all hundred of them in the cosmic scheme. Remember, its just a bridge.
If you would like to join the cult of the Champlain Bridge please use the link below:
http://champlainbridgecommunity.org/index.html
The new Champlain Bridge opened in November 2011 replacing its rusted predecessor, which had been there since 1929. It is a beautiful blue structure with fluid arches at its crest looming over the narrow passage between the ruins of Crown Point in New York and Chimney Point in Vermont. Completed in two years by a German engineering firm, it cost was estimated at $76 million.
When the states demolished the old bridge with explosives in late 2009 hundreds of Vermonters living and working in Western Addison County lamented the long commutes and disruption to local businesses because they had to take a ferry across the two thousand feet passage. The New Yorkers did not care and moved on like rational people. The hundreds, needing more attention than a single actress or any of Judd Apatow's children twitter, convinced the local television stations in Burlington, Plattsburgh and Albany to do emotion driven stories about the hardships that the people of Chimney Point had to endure bridgeless. Remember, its just a bridge. The hundreds got their golden bridge and swindled millions from NYSDOT and the Vermont Agency for Transportation that should have been spent paving roads that more than fifty people use in a day.
"It's a critical link for west-central Vermont and New York State, and vital to Vermont's economic strength, as well as for the people who rely upon that bridge for work and recreation," said Vermont Governor Peter Shumlin.
In the press release, linked below, Governor Shumlin is not the only elected official cashing in on the bridge and making it the greatest human achievement of all time. Remember, its just a bridge.
http://www.governor.ny.gov/press/110711OpeningofLakeChamplainBridge
As the politicians take credit and inflate the critical existential importance of this bridge to the few hundred voting people and their taxable revenue, they should remember like any wide receiver celebrating catching the ball that it is their fucking job to fix the bridge and do not deserve the adoration for following protocol.
The two minutes hate for the Champlain Bridge is not because of the object itself but rather because the bridge lovers were so indignant about their bridge from nowhere to nowhere and how obviously important they are all hundred of them in the cosmic scheme. Remember, its just a bridge.
If you would like to join the cult of the Champlain Bridge please use the link below:
http://champlainbridgecommunity.org/index.html
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